Shame and the Good Girl

How Shame keeps us stuck; and what is its real intention

Imagine a little child being shamed for spilling the milk?

What do you see?

Shoulders up by the ears, head down, hands closed in fists close together, hunched over.

Frozen.

What do you feel?

Red burning inside, a longing to be held and told it is ok, never safe to do so, or ask for what you truly want, but this is where the critical parent introject is created: “ There you go “ Insert emotionally hurtful words or angry face.”

What you will see is the complicated but natural survival response turned trauma, and potentially complex trauma, right there being created right before your eyes.

Danger by your own Primary caregiver figure that is meant to be your protector, guide and nurturer, creates instead fear in you. Tension, preparing  to run away in the muscles,  Fight instinct to protect the self also halted and frozen because a child can’t protect itself by fighting from the person who provides, food shelter clothe and emotion regulation.   Trauma is stuck in your body.   Frozen, shock, no action, feign death in the hope the perpetrator would stop the abuse. Fawn: idealize the perpetrator because the child needs this adult to survive, People please: what can I do to make you not angry, so that you are happy with me.

These repeated situations by a parent create complex PTSD, otherwise known relational trauma in the child. The parent themselves most likely is dealing with their own inherited inter-generational trauma.

And there goes the true self or the golden buddha into hiding.  A carefully constructed personae and masks created by shame and survival instincts become a layer of rigid asphalt trying to protect you from further pain.  Because you didn’t learn how to truly deal with your pain by co-regulating with your primary care giver with curiosity calm and compassion, instead . 

You received judgment attacks, expectations to be a perfect and silent child, or whatever the taste of the the generational trauma is that you were handed down may be.  We become the very people we feared, as we idealize them and want to protect and guide them.  This hides your true gentle beauty.

See,  us humans are the most vulnerable creatures when we are born. We need adults to be very gentle and attentive to us  not only physically, but emotionally. We need their nervous system to regulate our own, and we need them to help us look inside of us, so we can separate from them slowly. So we can know our boundaries, where we end, and they start. We need our adults to be well regulated empathic adults, so we can grow and be adults ourselves.

This is how generational trauma is handed down, with the good intention of the traumatized parent, who wants their child to NEVER SPILL MILK or, “what would people say” ( or whatever desaster the parents protector tells the parent’s mind will happen).
This survival self creates the fake self, the hunched down, tight traps and neck, trying to protect the broken heart of the child. The child is born so connected to the parent, it can’t see a difference between itself and the parent.  It needs to be separated with gentleness. With trauma the separation becomes harder, and the fake self tries to keep the parents ok, by the child not being ok.  The codependent relationship is created.

This is the function of the shame. The feelings you get inside when your inner child launches into survival - become shame.  The shame is your inner sensations that create a  voice telling you to be a good kid or else- OR ELSE. Or else you will not be ok, adults will not be ok, and your whole world will come tumbling down.  So freeze, hide, tiptoe, enjoy being in shame and pain, and small, because this is your state, to stay connected.

This is what you need to survive my friend, in a connected world.

We all know that humans are creatures of connection.  We need it, and it is these situations of spilled milk that create the basis where people stay in toxic, co-dependant and dysfunctional relationships, out of shame, and to avoid shame.

The intention of shame is to keep us connected as children in abusive environments.  It is a survival response, and survival responses are very strong, they help us survive! That part goes on automatic, and becomes part of your implicit memory to the point that anything that reminds it of its initial trauma when you were young, it takes you to revisit shame in physical sensations, emotions, physical pain and negative intrusive thoughts.

The shamed part of you doesn’t know you have grown out of that situation, and are no longer dependent and helpless.  Using visceral, float back and parts work and EMDR, I help you go back and rescue that hunched over little kid that you were.  I help you release that unfinished trauma response, the tight muscles giving you a headache and back pain when tension arises with your partner, and suddenly you abandon yourself out of unrealistic fear of losing a relationship.

Visualize and sit next to that little child that you were, see her, feel her, let her speak to you in images and sensations. Let her show you all her unfulfilled longings, only for you to validate her and tell her, that you were there all along, that you left that place, and you are safe now.  Let her see how you have grown, and bring her into your fold, into the present.

Read more about how to build a trusting relationship with your wounded inner child, in the next blog post.